week one

i just finished my first week as a free woman. My last day on the job was friday - z and i zipped off for a quick trip in NYC and then began my new life.

Life is much easier when you don't have to ask to use the bathroom, or constantly reinforce someone else's ego, while your sanity slips down the whiteboard.

I've spent the last week picking up the pieces, trying to recreate some sense of normalcy into my/our daily lives.

christmas is in a couple of weeks. and i am not interested in all the gift giving. in fact i haven't bought one gift yet. i know what i would like to get b. the kids i am totally clueless on other than itunes gift cards. i can't bring more junk into our house. just. can't. do. it.

wish you were here...

I've been on that grass...and I like my grass better

As a new mom I struggled with releasing my "work" identity. I remember moms at the playground ticking off job titles and identifying with those roles, hoping one day to get back to work. I yearned for escape from the long days at home with 2 toddlers, a basketfull of toys and a winnie the pooh vhs cassette that was worn thin from use. I wanted to work. To wear something other than my grubby stretch pants and to talk with people.

*************fast forward 12 years****************

For the past year and a half I have been working as a teaching assistant at an elementary school here in our town. I agreed to go back to work so that my kids could finish out their elementary school years there since we moved out of their district.

Going back to work after having not worked for almost 11 years was a HUGE adjustment. Not just for myself, but for my whole family. Everyone had to adjust to the reality that there was no person (me) that was handling all domestic chores. Home life no longer just happened, we all had to work for it.

I enjoyed working out of my home. And because I knew that it was not going to be a long term committment (i planned to only work for 2 years max) I tried to enjoy where I was in my life. It was fun dressing up, and wearing heels. And i really LOVE the people that I work with. My peers are amazing people. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I looked at the kids that i was nurturing and felt triumphant with every new skill they mastered, and with every confident smile.

But while the kids at school were benefitting from my years as a nurturing mother, my own children started to wither a little bit. i would come home exhausted. After a day of nurturing 22 little egos I barely had enough in me to nurture the 2 at home. I began feeling disconnected from my family and our life at home. The disconnect and the stress that created resulted in my becoming sick almost daily. I began to miss work, and that caused its own stress. I was in a complete downward spiral.

i say was, even though I am still working there. I say was, because I have recently resigned. Resigning was difficult, but it was the emotional seperation that was the really hard part. I've only recently gotten over that "feel bad" hump.

My teacher had a doctor's appointment today. I was supposed to cover the class for her. Last night my son went to bed with a fever. I felt horrible and torn. I knew I needed to cover our class, but I couldn't send my sick child to school. In the middle of fretting, I just stopped. I saw how all of my priorities had been mixed up and out of place. My life had gotten out of alignment. My son running a fever saved me. It reminded me why I am here. This was a choice I made and struggled with YEARS ago. It is the choice that I learned to love and cultivate. I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I love putting my kids and family first. Working outside of the home was fun and it was a new experience. But now, I'm ready to get back on my own lawn, because the grass over there may be good for the neighbors, but I'll stick to my green patch.

HOPE

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of all of you that got your asses up today, and last week, and the week before and went and cast your ballot. I am proud that you exercised your right to vote. A right that was not given to us, was not handed to us on a platter. A right our grandparents, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles and all those that came before us, whether we knew them by name or not, a right that they fought for. A right that they sacrificed for. A right that they blazed for us in the HOPE that we would have a better life. Something better than what they had. A chance to make a CHANGE for good not just in our own lives, but for our families, communities and our world.

Our grandparents sacrificed so that we might achieve. Our grandfather was left for dead under the snow in France during WWII. He returned home with a dream to be a lawyer and attended college classes at Laredo Junior College. He had to walk away from his dream to support his wife and children. But he never let that dream die. He held onto it for his own children and his grandchildren.

It is our responsibility to remember what was sacrificed for us. It is our responsibility to BUILD on those stones that were laid down for us. It is our responsibility to lay down the next stones for our children, and for the future generations.

A tree can only grow as tall as its roots are deep. teach your kids their history. where we came from. encourage them to grow tall and strong and to look with gratitude and reverance to their past and look towards the future with great HOPE

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

hold your pee

i could say that I am old, but i prefer to believe that I just have a weak bladder. But either way it has come to my attention that I can no longer run and laugh at the same time. I am now a squirter. I actually prefer the term tinkle. that makes it sound kind of magical, like fairy dust is in my panties, not pee.

and it is so obvious when i "tinkle" because no matter how fast I am running, I immediatly come to a halt and squeeze my legs together - and then laugh a WHOLE lot more. Cuz at that point there is really nothing funnier than a grown woman peeing her pants on a soccer field, and trying to act non chalant, like "i didn't really want to get that ball".

i thought that maybe i should just start doing more kegels in order to tighten up those muscles. but i decided that maybe i should just stop playing soccer. frees me up for more vodka and lemonades.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

priorities

I will spend more time finding the "right" tools to do a job than just doing the job. I just spent 37 minutes researching the a blogger app so that I can blog when not in front of my computer. When I was sitting IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER, with my blog page OPEN.

But it's all about the accessories. I have become obsessed about having the "right" apps on my phone just like I can also obsess over having the right shoes or bag for an outfit. It all comes down to the details. And really, how often do I post pictures on my blog. um...NEVER. except for my photo blog, but I've already downloaded an app that can post pictures from my iphone onto that blog. so i don't need that perk, yet I obsess on it. Because I have to have the best. Because I have to get the Monolo's not the heels from nine west.

And really, who is every going to see what blogger app I am *not* using on my iphone (because my blogging is sporadic at best, and always done on my laptop - Macbook Pro, ofcourse). So I might as well spend that cash on something that really matters. Like those Louboutins I've been craving.

running

my daughter has just started training with the cross country team. She loves it. I watch her running laps across a field, pony tail flying behind her, little legs pumping and sheer determination to be first in the group flashes across her face.

When she runs I see my mother. I see her running, feeling free, her whole life ahead of her. Nothing can stop her except herself.

And I know how one story ends. waiting for the best to come last, and dying before she can even get there.

And I wonder how my daughter's life will play out. I want her to not wait. don't hesitate. don't settle. our time is too short. keep running. you're free.

i am THAT woman

while at the gym where Bo takes his basketball class there was a mom who sat herself and her kid on the tiny landing at the top of the stairs that leads to the basketball court and soccer fields. unbelieveable. i walked over with Zo and asked the woman (in my sweetest voice ever) if she wouldn't mind if i pushed her daughter's backpack (which was laying on the top step along with her bike helmet) under her daughter's chair. she was agreeable and i proceeded to kick her kids bag and helmet under the chair, all the while letting her know that "this is just an accident waiting to happen. someone could just go flying down these steps". i said it in my sweetest voice and she thanked me as i walked away.

i got down to the bottom of the steps and Zo was cracking up. She let me know that (unbeknownst to me) while i was reprimanding the woman I was using my southern accent. and that the woman just stared at me stunned as i kicked her daughters stuff out of my way. i must be getting old, because none of this registered. my only thought was that i had just saved someone's life.

it felt good.

let me just get this out of the way first... yes, I am eating lemonheads right now.

i signed up bo for this amazing basketball camp with this hall of famer guy (that none of had ever heard of, but whatever - he's in the HoF!) and...i totally space the date, and tomorrow is the last day of camp. Nice one mom. But I think he ended with a better deal, he's now going to do a week with the Knicks. not bad. maybe no hall of famers, but you never know.

We went down to chinatown today. it was a little sad. many of the little booths are closed down, I'm guessing for selling fake bags/sunglasses, etc. It's not the same place it used to be.

The kids and I went to the mahayana buddhist temple and paid our respects.

oh yeah and i pushed some man and a woman today. they got between me and the kids. not an option. do not get between me and the kids.

and i considered punching someone in the throat on the train.

om, shanti, shanti, shanti

lemonheads may be hazzardous to my waistline

yeah, like I even have a waistline anymore... but really. maybe i shoudn't be eating 3lbs of sour sugar coated goodness.

the cute water bottle i bought has the number 7 on the bottom. apparently that means it can give me cancer or something. sucks.

my twitter thing sucks cuz it doesn't keep me updated.

welcome home

i am raising from the dead this BLOG!!!

ok. we moved. Love our new house. Don't miss the old neighborhood.

I'm going to keep 2 blogs. in one i will share all of my deepest darkest secrets, and true feelings, and the other I'll keep for my family.

We are spending the summer in nyc. we have a small apartment in brooklyn. no ac. no cable. 1 fan. it's hot. we went to the virgin store, and bought a couple of videos that we can watch over and over and over again. and within 18 hours, my kids have watched water boy no less than 3 times. we also picked up poltergiest to keep things balanced. both are classics that i will be proud to have my kids quote from.

i could totally homeschool.